Philautia – the Greek word for self love and the next installment of the Greek Words for Love series!
Self love seems to be trending right now, and I get that there are a million different articles written by people much better informed and more experienced than I.
We all know the deal: loving your self is the key to leading a fulfilling life, to giving to others, and for leaving the world a better place than when you got here. Charity starts at home, so begin with you, and it will spread outward, you are the only you on the planet, you are worthy, and yada yada.
Sound cliche? Yup, it is. I find that most cliches are corny because they are so true and this is no exception. It is corny AND true that you deserve love, and more so from the person you’ll wake up with for the rest of your life than from anyone else – you.
I’ve noticed a few roadblocks in learning self love. I’m positive there are more, but here are three biggies:
- We hear about it so much that it becomes meaningless
- We use the concept of self love to inhibit ourselves rather than challenge ourselves and hold ourselves accountable
- We are actually absorbing really great life advice, but don’t know how to implement it
There is no single “fix” to any of the above, and I don’t want to pretend that there is. At least for me, I will probably be working on rerouting my approach to these challenges for the rest of my life.
However, I do have a mental exercise that helps me when I realize my self love is wearing thin.
When the Self Love Well Runs Dry
Most of the time, our self love becomes patchy when we aren’t giving ourselves pretty basic needs – food, sleep, water, safety, connection, acceptance, validation.
Speaking for myself, when these needs aren’t met, my poor little heart throws an f-ing tantrum.
It rails against itself. My brain joins in and tells it how awful it is. My body climbs on board and snips off my appetite and my tummy goes sour, my chronic pain worsens, and the world just S U C K S.
There’s this part of me that still believes it’s three years old, trying to make sense of the world, draw boundaries, communicate emotions, and exercise my sense of self. I think EVERYONE has this part of them at the core, that part that will always be a little kid. Often, that “kid” part of us connects an icky feeling (like not getting what we need) with a value system (therefore, I must not be lovable).
It is so pure, and so. Demanding.
And it’s so. There. It’s not going away, ever.
So, what to do?
Love Thy (Toddler) Self
Treat yourself like you’d treat a toddler. (Parents, pretend you’re talking to a toddler after you’ve had a weekend at the spa with 10 hours of sleep. I know, not realistic, but that’s why we have imaginations).
What do we do with toddlers? Do we argue with them, try to reason them out of their needs? Do we violate their boundaries? Do we take away their basic needs of food, sleep, love, safety, etc?
No. We love the shit out of them.
We may feel like CRAZY PEOPLE in the process, but that’s what it comes down to at the end of the day.
That love can look like many different things – getting the kid to sleep, having them take a break because they’re tired, getting them a snack, or maybe just letting them cry it out because that’s what they need to do. It may look like reinforcing the rules, because even though it pisses them off that they can’t, I don’t know, stick a fork in an electrical socket.
We don’t judge them, although we may laugh to ourselves at their expense, because let’s face it: toddlers are little drunk people. I mean, just look at this Huffington Post Canada article if you want to wet yourself laughing.
But really, what is a grown-up if not at toddler that survived long enough to get their own health care coverage, pretend they like “microbreweries,” and navegate the perils of internet dating?
So What About Concerns 1-3?
So we get that self love is a good thing, and that all humans are just toddlers with varying levels of responsibility. How to connect the two in the face of those potential problems I listed above? Let’s break it down, point by point.
1. We hear about it so much that it becomes meaningless.
Why don’t toddlers listen? They’re usually tired, distracted, hungry, overwhelmed, or all of the above. Or just being toddlers.
Speaking for myself, sometimes I simply can’t absorb the general wisdom of the world, despite there being more wise people with great advise than probably any other time on the history of the planet. So much good stuff out there (read: anything that Oprah or Chrissy Teigen has said, ever)! And the best advise we’ll ever get is how to love fully, whether it be loving ourselves or others.
So when I notice that I’m not able to absorb all that goodness, when what looks appealing logically simply glides right over my head, it means that I’m maxed out. I need sleep, focus, food, or a break.
No judgment. I can take a break and give myself what I need, and do the work of loving myself when I’m good and ready. These things can’t be faked, rushed, or manipulated. And just understanding that is a huge act of self love, no?
2. We use the concept of self love to inhibit ourselves rather than challenge ourselves and hold ourselves accountable.
Something I hear a lot from parents is how difficult it is to know when to push your kid out of their comfort zone and when to shelter them. I don’t envy them – there are so many factors involved in that decision, and many times there isn’t one right answer.
But for yourself, the same dilemma applies. Sometimes I find myself saying for the fourth night in a row, “I don’t feel like socializing tonight, so I won’t. #treatyourself”. Or even worse, “this super scary step forward in my life/career/relationship is too much, so I’ll limit myself because it feels safer and by the way, #selfcare #treatyourself #I’mShootingMyselfInTheFoot.
Boo, no. Don’t go around inhibiting your personal growth or neglecting your needs in the name of “self love”. Learn to call BS on yourself.
Like at the checkout counter – you know that toddler is about to throw a fit when their parent won’t let them buy that Reese’s king size. And you cringe when the parent gives in, because you know that ultimately, that hurts the kid. The child needs to believe the parent that no means no. They need to trust that there’s structure, and that in the long run, the structure is there to help them, not hinder them.
Same for adults. We make a commitment to treat our bodies better, only to stay up late on the computer (hem hem, so guilty) or exercise when we should’t, or perhaps stay on the couch when it would benefit us to move. Find the line between, “hey, I really need a break today,” and, “I want a break today, despite that it’s going to negatively affect my wellbeing in the long run.”
Everyone has a different balance. Find yours.
Ask yourself in the moment, “is this a goal or commitment that needs a break now, or that needs consistency?” And learn to trust yourself that whatever your answer, it’s the right one.
3. We are actually absorbing really great life advice, but don’t know how to implement it
Learning to gauge points 1 and 2 is HUGE in implementing the whole self love thing.
Adding on to that, I’ve noticed that the little life moments when we’re anxious, hurting, angry, or sad are wonderful opportunities to show up for yourself.
In these moments, I imagine my toddler self throwing a tantrum. I see that she may feel sad, angry, anxious, etc – but that doesn’t make herself less lovable.
And I make myself love the shit out of her.
I ask her what she needs, I listen, then I form a plan.
If I’m too busy throwing a tantrum and can’t form a plan, I phone a friend. My sister, my mom, Rodrigo, Papa Mendes, my stepdad, my aunts, my friends – any of the cast of characters who have my best interest at heart.
I then explain the plan to myself, and tell myself why (even if I don’t believe it at the time). Then I may put myself down for a nap, have a healthy snack, or gird my loins to get things done even if I don’t feel like it, because that may be in my best interest overall.
For me, at this stage in my life, that’s what philautia looks like. Loving myself as if I were still three years old.
What does it look like for you?
love
Stig (and Baby Stig)
