Part II of Stig’s Greek Words for Love
For me, this love is just as sacredas eros, which we talked about last week, or any of the other words we’ll go into.After all, they say that friends are the family that you choose, and Iwhole-heartedly agree with that statement.
The second Greek word for love we’ll be talking about is philia: the love that lives in friendship.
With that, let’s dive in ….
Friendship in Culture
Growing up in the United States, I can’t speak for how friendship is viewed elsewhere. However (if I may just generalize a little), I find how we view and value friendship here to be underwhelming. Although we see friendship in the media, it often is limited in scope. For women, friendships fall into the Sex and the City category or the Mean Girls category. For men, friendships are either in the James Bond category (does he have any friends, like really?) or in the American Pie category. One is gossipy and competitive; the other, “I’m not here to make friends, piu-piu” (that was a gun noise, could you tell?),and ripe with toxic frat culture. For non-binary people, well … we have been terrible at representing any authentic friendships in large scale media.
Yikes.
You know how we feel about putting people in boxes. Not. Acceptable.
We know that relationships don’t fit into neat categories. We know that people are complex, multi-faceted, and that they have a lot to offer the world. And we know that what ties us to life are our relationships.
So, what’s with this oversimplification of friendship in the media? One theory I have is that we are consumed with the idea of romantic love that we forget the power of friendship. We are busy with the work of finding “The Great Love of Your Life.”
That’s just silly. We can have many loves of our lives, of all different types, friendship among them!
What’s more, is that one doesn’t have to compete with the other. There’s room for everyone at the table.
One friend doesn’t have to compete with another. The memory of an ex doesn’t have to compete with your current relationship. Your mother-in-law isn’t going to steal the love between you and your spouse.
As my mother says, love doesn’t run out, it only grows.
Aristotle
Ok, so we’re at the point where things get a little nerdy. But who doesn’t want to learn new things? I learned more about Aristotle from researching this post than I ever had before, and I’m sharing a bit with you. Sooooo, here we go!
He wrote quite a lot about philia, in much more nuance than here. The Wikipedia page is very informative, should you want to take a peek.
Anyhoodles, he made three general classifications on the nature of love within friendship, and they are:
- Love out of utility (favor swapping)
- Love from making each other feel good
- Love of the innate nature of the other, with interest in the higher good for that person
To be honest, I have questions about #s 1 and 2. Can love exist if the relationship is purely one of utility? Can there be real joy in simply favor swapping? I’m not sure. What are your thoughts?
On the second point – I doubt that a friendship can really be complete if it’s only based on how you make each other feel. Of course, if someone makes you feel like crap, it’s not worth your time to invest in a relationship with them. However, if the high that someone gives you is the only thing sustaining your relationship, well, it won’t be sustained for very long.
I have a friend with an unusual problem, in my opinion. She is too good. Like, saintly good. Her powers of active listening, of patience, of validation, of giving genuine laughs at the worst of jokes, are really other-worldly. She is an amazing friend, caring and funny, the type of person who coaxes out the best versions of yourself.
These qualities, understandably, attract a lot of people. Friends, suitors, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers, every one wants a piece of her because she’s a modern marvel. She makes them feel good about themselves, so they come back for more. She cares (exhibiting Point 3), and it shows.
But how many times has she come back from a date or an outing with new friends with the feeling that they are pumped to see her again, even though they never thought to ask her about herself? How is it that they think they love her, as a friend or otherwise, yet have showed zero interest in her as a complete human being?
All of that to say, Aristotle’s first two points mean NOTHING without the third.
Remember what my mother said, that love only grows? That’s what happens when we focus on Point 3: care for the well-being of each other and authentic acceptance of the other person’s individuality.
This is where that sacred philia lives. That’s where we find those friends that become the family which we choose.
This is the place where my friend with the Other Worldly Friendship Powers comes from. When she speaks with people, she sees them, she enters into each conversation with everyone’s well-being as her top priority.
When the other person doesn’t arrive at Point 3, the relationship cannot last. Sooner or later, it’ll peter out.
But when you’re at Point 3? That’s the marvelous point where your friend becomes family.
It doesn’t matter how often you see each other, which secrets you chose to share, or what you bought each other for your birthdays. That current of love and respect stays constant.
I have friends who I see many times a week, others once every five years. The beautiful thing is that the philia within each relationship is “worth” the same. There is value in each friendship, and it doesn’t change if one of us is pissed at the other, or if one does a huge favor for the other. It’s all just love. It doesn’t demand more than showing up for each other – purely because you love the other person as-is.
So, a toast to friendships!
To the friend who looses you in a club in Vegas, only to find you kneeling on the VIP table, a man pouring Patron out of the bottle and into your mouth. She didn’t judge. They on that table with me you, no questions asked. Not that this really happened, or anything.
To those friends who hold each other when their whole lives are falling apart around them. To holding each other for hours in a sea of tissues and ugly, ugly, ugly crying.
To the friends that celebrate each others’ new goals, new achievements, despite all the odds.
To the friends that live far from each other, only to circle back as if they had always been neighbors.
And the list could go on and on. I actually drafted a much more detailed and even sappier list, and it reminded me of how grateful I am for these relationships.
I encourage you to do the same. Give yourself a minute and think about those ‘’philia’’ moments in your relationships. Make yourself a list. Life will feel richer, lusher, more gratifying. I promise.
So, tell me about your friendships. How have they been the Great Love of your Life?
Love
Stig.
