We’ve talked about philia, we’ve talked about eros, now it’s time to talk about pragma. This is the kind of love that allows a relationship to function over the long term. It’s made of understanding, patience, compromise, and teamwork. And unfortunately, at least in my opinion, it’s the least valued type of love despite the fact that it just may be the most important when it comes to lasting, fulfilling relationships.
Remember in the eros post when I talked about the fireplace metaphor? Sometimes that eros fire is going, sometimes it’s not, but thefireplace is always there. Well, if eros is the fireplace, pragma is thestructure of the whole damn house. In order to function, it needs a foundation,walls, a roof, etc. And that takes planning, management, and intention.
Building Pragma
I’ve thought a lot over time about what makes relationships last, and for me it comes down to five things. Yes, they are all super simple,but their importance cannot be overstated. Also, a disclaimer: this is meant for folks not in abusiverelationships. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, get help from the pros, not an amateur fashion blogger with zero qualifications. Be good to YOU. Capice?
Ready? Let’s go.
1. Communication
When a problem comes up, address it. And problems WILL come up. That’s life! So don’t be afraid to address issues when they arise, in the most compassionate yet direct way possible.Listen as much as you talk. And remember that you can’t change the other person, but you can change the communication between you, starting with you.
And when good things come up? Communicate those, too! It goes both ways, and you are a TEAM so you get to celebrate as such. So. Important.
2. Honesty
Don’t lie to yourself or to your partner. Duh.
3. Forgiveness
Don’t be stingy with this stuff. Spread it all around, all up in every nook and cranny of both you AND your partner. It lasts longer than chocolate sauce, doesn’t give you a rash, and is way healthier.
But really – forgive with intentionand forgive often. Radically, even. Humans are creating messes everywhere – and it’s ok. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
Forgiveness can be very painful but trust me, it can change everything. Especially if you can start with forgiving yourself for not being a good partner to YOU. Charity starts at home, people.Then work your way to your Person. It’s messy work but it’s worth it. There isno room for grudges or resentment in a healthy relationship.
4. Gratitude
Don’t dream of comparing you, your partner, or your relationship to someone else, or to a past relationship, or to a made up relationship, or a movie, or a book, or a billboard, or Instagram, orto an idea in your head – just don’t do it. Comparison KILLS gratitude. Andit’s not fair to you or your partner.
Make lists, daily. Mental lists or pen-and-paper lists, or lists on the steam of the shower door. The things youlike or love about your person can be big or small, it doesn’t matter. Buttrust me, you’ll start to appreciate things you never realized were there. And there’s a lot of joy in that.
5. Patience
Numbers 1-4 not doing it for you? Provided you’re in a healthy relationship and both of you are putting in work, may I suggest patience? Yes, it’s a rotten business. But some things cannot and should not be rushed.
Didn’t resolve an argument? It’s ok. Coolyour jets, get some air, and revisit later.
If it’s an issue that keeps coming up, make space for it. Relationships have unwanted houseguests in the form of persistentand sometimes hurtful differences. So breathe and plan for that. Get help if you need. Plan to dedicate time and energy and above all, patience. And realize that sometimes the best solution for a problem is not always to “fix” it, but to learn how to live with it in a whole and loving way. It’s rough sometimes.But remember #s 1-4? They’ve got your back. Your patience will help carry them through time.
I can only speak from my experience. What would you add? How would you build pragma?
Love
Stig.
