Today we tackle a Fashion Nemesis: cargo shorts. Surprised? So am I.
I was just minding my own business, doing whatever we millennials are doing in the time of ‘Rona, and my jerk lovely sister sends me this Reel on Instagram:
She then follows with a series of words that, between siblings, is not a normal sentence: it’s an incantation.
I Double F-ing Dare You: Cargo Shorts Edition
Yes folks: my sister double f-ing dared me to wear cargo shorts. Now, if you’re a frequent flier here on the blog, you’ll know that this isn’t the first time, nor the second, that Julianne has dared me to style something less than appealing.
Here’s what makes styling cargo shorts tricky: there’s quite a lot of fabric, and it tends to be thick. Bulky pockets get in the way of silhouettes, and the length and wide width are straight-up unflattering.
But a dare is a dare – and not only did I want to nail the cargo shorts, I wanted to up the ante and style not one but THREE different looks! So I called my friend Kim, a photo wiz, steamed down this pair of Tibi cargo shorts, and did our darndest.
Look I: Coffee Date
Between you and me, if you go for cargo shorts on a first date and the person still asks for a second, marry them and do it it now because they like you for YOU.
But if you must, here’s my suggestion: the scarf top. I took a silk scarf my dad brought me from India in the nineties (!!), folded it in half, looped it through a thick gold necklace, and tied it round the back. Voila – an incredibly nonchalant and easy-to-wear top. Also super breezy for those warm late summer/early autumn days!
I went with a low heel, but it would look BOMB with a stiletto. Pick your poison.
Not half bad, right?
Look II: Back at the Office (Maybe)
Cargo shorts to work? Unless you’re a youth pastor, a bait and tackle salesperson, or maybe a tech bro on casual Friday, you probably haven’t worn cargo shorts to the office. Never fear!! I found a way – because I just know you’re chomping at the bit to show off all your cool cargo looks to your coworkers. You f-ing minx, you.
Here’s what you do:
Blazer! Make it a long-line that skims over your cute honey hips and hits near the hem of those bad boy shorts.
Button-up! I made mine silk because I love being all kinds of extra – plus it provides a beautiful counterpart to all that cargo short twill.
Pumps! Make ’em sleek, make ’em pointy, you are to be Steve Irwin (RIP) and Amal Clooney’s style lovechild! You know how we do it around here. Keep your buns perky and your shoes perkier.
Look III: Street Style
We generally think of street style as being that thing that bloggers and celebrities do when you dress up quite elaborately and have your photo taken as you head to either a.) a fashion show, or b.) no specified destination, and you’re left thinking, nice outfit, but where the hell would I wear that?
Good question (if I may say so myself). With this specific look, I’d wear it on a date, to lunch or dinner with friends, to Trader Joe’s, or to the proctologist. It’s 2020 and life is short. Wear what you like. Also, it being 2020, a proctology visit is just what we all need at this juncture. And these cargo shorts gave me such a wedgie that frankly, that visit may be a blessing.
This was by far my favorite look – streamlined, a bit sassy, not pretending to be anything but what it is. I mean, what it is is a very fancy version of the shorts that my 11th grade Math Analysis teacher wore – heyyyy Coach O – with a scanty, camo-print, mesh crop “sweatshirt”. How marvelous is that?
The take-home here is that if you have a higher-waist cargo short (which I DEFINITELY RECOMMEND), you can pair it with a crop top and it will cut through the nerdiness of the shorts. You’re owning the fact that you’re wearing shorts straight out of an Old Navy commercial from 1999; but alas, you’re much too preoccupied with being awesome to care.
Am I in love with cargo shorts? Nope. TBH they bunch like CRAZY, even when you’re standing – at least, this pair did. It looked like I was hiding a pair of moose knuckles in there, something that photo-processing could remedy only a tiny bit. Don’t worry; you definitely get the gist from these photos.
If you ARE into cargo shorts, DO IT! Here are my recommendations:
High-waisted! Do it or bust. Seriously.
Pockets on the SIDE! Mine had pockets at the front, and they stuck out awkwardly and were very difficult to photography (a testament to Kim’s photo skills!).
When you wear them, wear them with PRIDE. Own it. Use those pockets to stash your snacks or to deliver your ballot early to the polls – however you want to smash the patriarchy, I really believe you can INDEED do it in cargo shorts.
What’s your verdict? Yay or nay on the cargo shorts?
love,
Stig
